How do you get over divorce guilt?

Thursday | January 2, 2025

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

How do you get over divorce guilt?

Podcast trailer’s up. [Listen on Apple | Listen on Spotify]

How do you forgive yourself for breaking someone’s heart (and your own heart, too)?

I was married for 15 years to a wonderful person. My best friend. My everything.

But one day things were different. After living through a pandemic, moving to a new state, and becoming healthy, I felt lost. And disconnected. And like I needed to find myself again.

After months of soul searching, and trying to be separated but remain in a relationship, we decided to divorce – so he could move on with his life while I tried to figure out mine.

Here we are, two years later. I’ve learned a lot. Wonderful, important lessons about who I am and what I need and what I want.

He is gone. Moved on to new opportunities. A fresh start where he isn’t haunted by old ghosts.

I have moved on, too. I am in a new relationship where I am putting my learned lessons to good use. I am happy. But I am plagued with regret and guilt.

Why couldn’t I learn these lessons while I was with my love, who I invested so much time and had so much history with? Why could I not be the person I thought I was and keep the promise to love him forever?

The truth is, I still love him with all my heart. And I can’t forgive myself for destroying our beautiful life.

I know I did what I needed to do. I know I did what was right – to let him live his life while I try to figure out mine. Everyone deserves love and passion. No one should feel that they aren’t enough.

So I know I did the right thing, but why does it make me so sad?

Why can’t I forgive myself and embrace my new life, freely, without guilt?

– Guilty

Could it be grief, as opposed to guilt?

Grief will be part of the new normal, I assume. You’ll consider what you lost and get sad about it sometimes. Then you’ll remember that you gave your ex the gift of time and space – so he could find something new that makes him happy.

You said it beautifully; “No one should feel that they aren’t enough.”

Part of this is accepting that it’s supposed to be sad. You can remember the happy stuff, too, and then feel grateful you had those experiences.

This brings us to your present-day significant other. You didn’t share much about this important person. You say you’re happy with them, but are you sure? Are you letting this relationship be new and different? Are you giving it time to grow?

You talk about applying lessons to what you have now, but I hope that doesn’t require too much effort. A new love is about fun and feeling good about yourself. This is not a project, where you have to correct past wrongs or prove what you’ve learned.

It’s great your doing emotional work, but it doesn’t have to be a full-time job. Sometimes it’s about having a carefree day hanging out with someone who gives you butterflies.

Consider why you’re in this new relationship and what you get from it. If you continue to have trouble experiencing a good, simple day because of everything in your past, talk to a professional about how to focus on now.

– Meredith

Readers? Too soon to couple up with someone new? How do you multitask guilt, grief, and new excitement?

Send your own question for the new year. What’s on your mind about money, exes, dating, love, loss, friendship, marriage, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].