How do I get comfortable by myself
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Q.
Dear Meredith,
After ending a long relationship earlier this year, I’ve been struggling to figure out what love looks like when it’s just me.
I spent so much of my 20s trying to be the “perfect” partner (supportive, loyal, endlessly understanding) that I forgot what it means to feel loved without performing for it.
Now that I’m single, I’m realizing how uncomfortable I am with my own company. I miss being chosen, but I also want to choose myself this time.
How do you rebuild a sense of worth and connection when you’re not in a relationship, and when it feels like everyone around you has already found their person?
– Trying to Love Myself First
A.
Please be kind to yourself. You’re still going through a big breakup.
It can take awhile to figure out a new normal after a long relationship. The moment you decide it is a new normal, life changes again.
That’s one positive thing I can say about this moment: it’s going to change. If it’s uncomfortable and hopeless for a bit – if love seems out of reach – it’ll shift. I promise.
Please don’t pressure yourself to be 100 percent cool with a bunch of alone time. It takes practice! Try making a lot of plans and staying busy – first with friends/loved ones … then by doing something new, like volunteer work.
Loving your own company can mean engaging with strangers, and then coming home and thinking, “That was interesting. Did I like doing it? How did it make me feel?”
If you can manage a few hours of alone time each week, you’re winning. Then it gets easier. Then love gets easier.
Please know: not everybody has found their person. Or maybe they’ve found a person for now, but that’ll change too. Regardless, find some single friends. They’re out there, everywhere. Keep your partnered friends and treat them just as well, but do reach out to people who understand where you are.
– Meredith
Readers? How does one get used to being single after a long relationship? Tips for a person whose friends are coupled?
Ask questions about dates, no dates, love, divorce, friendship, breakups, getting back out there, in-law drama, or whatever, through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].
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