Now She’s With His Cousin

Tuesday | August 29, 2017

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

Now She’s With His Cousin

Hi Meredith,

I was with my significant other on and off for six years. We had broken up because we were long-distance, but we rekindled and made it work. I found a better job close to her and we moved in together more then nine months ago. Things were pretty smooth – just the little adjustments of living together. We were “in love,” best friends, had gone on vacations together, and our families were supportive. We even regularly brought up marriage and kids. Truthfully, we weren’t 100 percent perfect, but who is? I’d say the major problem was that even though I could stay calm under stress, if she did something that put me past a tipping point, I would lash out and be too blunt. That was something I was conscious of and made a great effort to fix.

Not long ago, her father died in a tragic way, and we moved back to our hometown. It has been tremendously hard on her family, and she inherited most of the burden of handling the situation. I was right there with her to make sure the funeral, paperwork, money issues, meetings, etc. were handled. When things started to quiet down, I started to notice questionable things, such as strange behavior or her deleting texts, so I confronted her. It ended up being that she was spending quality time with my cousin – without telling me. When I found out, I was very angry. Apparently, this lashing out “pushed her over the edge” with me. However, I felt truly disrespected by both of them.

Fast forward a month after the death and she has broken up with me, is seeing my cousin, and we blocked each other on all social media. Her personal life has stayed a secret, partly because I do not want my parents to be hurt. Because of the tragedy, I do still want to be present with the rest of her family, but it’s difficult. I am deeply hurt and do not understand how this happened. I understand that death can really change someone’s outlook on life and love, but it baffles me that she was able to fall for him three weeks after her father passed. From what I know, they have even talked about having a future together. Could you shed light on this?

– Confused Guy

A common piece of advice for people coping with grief is to avoid making big decisions during the first year after the loss. That said, some people do benefit from changing their lives after a death. It tends to be for the best when they move ahead with a choice they wanted to make anyway.

I can’t tell you whether your ex-girlfriend’s decision was a long time coming, but I will say that you shouldn’t be keeping it a secret. I don’t advise running around and telling everyone that she dropped you for you cousin, but you don’t have to lie to your parents. Tell them what happened and let them be there for you.

The other good thing about letting people know you’re no longer together is that it makes it easier for you to set boundaries with her family. They should be more understanding about you taking space. I know you want to be there for them, but if this breakup is real, you have to take care of yourself, too.

– Meredith

Readers? What happened here? Did the LW have the right to be angry?

Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

Sometimes people make life-changing decisions after a death. It also sounds like your relationship was difficult and a struggle. It’s very possible your relationship would have ended anyway, cousin or no cousin, funeral or no funeral.

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