He said ‘I love you’ … once
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Q.
After seven years of dating – following a divorce from a man I was married to for decades who could rarely bring himself to say the words “I love you,” let alone actual mean them (he was in love with someone else for our entire marriage) – I finally did fall for someone who blurted it (it = “I love you”), in a moment of passion, after two months of dating.
I wanted to cry. I couldn’t believe my ears. I was very much in love with him. Still am. I finally felt free to to say the words myself to him. I said it and couldn’t stop. I told him every chance I had, that I love him, appreciate him, found him delightful.
After another couple of months, I mentioned that he had said it that one time, but never again. I asked him if his feelings changed. His response was that he had no recollection of even saying it. The conversation that followed made it evident that he saw saying “I love you” meant commitment to him. He was simply not at a place in his life where he was able to commit. “If” he said it, it was because he was “in the moment.“ I’m quoting him.
I may not ever be able to utter the words again. And how do I trust that someone is being genuine if it is ever said to me again?
– In The Moment
A.
After months of dating, were you really in love with this man? Was it an I-can-see-this-person’s-soul kind of love? Or more of a this-seems-pretty-exciting-let’s-keep-dating love?
You say you were “very much in love,” but it was so new. Maybe it was more about hope and excitement.
I say this whenever we get an “I love you” letter, but please define what you mean when you say it, especially to yourself. It felt amazing to hear the words from this man, and thrilling to say them back. You wanted to take every opportunity to share! That might reveal more about your previous relationship than this recent one.
You ask how to trust someone who says it in the future. Really, it’s about consistency and thoughtfulness. If they say it once and never again, that tells you plenty. If they say it while you’re driving to the grocery store, as opposed to in the heat of passion, that might show you even more.
If they say it when the relationship is still new, please know that things could change.
“I like hanging out with you” might be a better and more honest place to start.
– Meredith
Readers? Ever said it in the heat of passion? Ever said it and walked it back? How do you believe it when you hear it?
What’s on your mind about living with someone, becoming single again, dating, love, loss, complicated friendships, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].
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