He makes me feel small
As many of you know, there is a massive Love Letters pop-up phone booth at the Boston Public Library.
People can go inside and leave questions, and then check the column to see if they’ve been answered.
The phone booth does other things, too. I highly recommend visiting 700 Boylston Street to see it for yourself.
I’m going to start answering some questions from the booth, and I’ll let you know when they come from that location.
Today is our first phone booth question. It strange to hear these voicemails because usually we’re guessing someone’s tone when they send a letter.
Just so you know: this person sounded exhausted. Defeated. Lots of deep breaths and long pauses. It made me wish we could all call back and give a pep talk. But we’ll do that here.
Remember, you can always send a letter through the form. It’s no giant phone booth, but it’s available 24-7.
Q.
Dear Meredith,
I’ve been dating this guy for about three to four months and we’ve had a lot of up and downs. How do I know if it’s worth fighting for?
I like him. He makes me feel comfortable, but at the same time, no one has ever made me feel as small. He doesn’t like when I go out. He gets sensitive if I talk about exes or bring up any guy from the past. And I know he does it because he’s insecure and that it has nothing to do with me, but sometimes it’s hard to see through that. Sometimes I don’t know if the good outweighs the bad.
I just don’t have the heart to leave because I’m scared that if I do, I’m giving up on something that could be great if we just talked it out. The thing is. we talk it out all the time. I feel like we fight more than we actually get along. And yet we tell each other we love each other, and he tells me that I’m great and that it doesn’t bother him, and that I can be as anxious and as insecure as I want and that he won’t leave, but this morning he woke up and he said that he was worried about St. Patrick’s Day because he didn’t want me to go crazy and all out.
And he said that if I do anything that bothers him that day, that he will basically leave and that our relationship won’t work out.
How do I let go? How do I break it to him?
We have a trip coming up in Spring Break. How do I break up before the trip? Do I wait? I don’t know what to do. I see the potential, but at the same time I’m just kind of tired, so I guess my question is: how do you know when you have to let go? Thank you.
– Tired
A.
You know it’s time to let go.
You’re talking about conflicts “all the time.” There’s no need to be with someone who makes you feel “small.”
It’s hard to break up with someone when you care about them. It’s worse when you had high hopes for what the relationship could be.
You could try one more “let’s fix this” conversation, but I don’t think it would help. It might be easier to start a discussion that turns into a mutual breakup. You could say, “I want to do whatever I want on St. Patrick’s Day without thinking twice. I want to go out whenever I want. I want to see friends and experience the world, not just with a partner. I believe that makes us a bad match. What do you think?”
Have empathy, but stay honest. We just had a letter from someone who was having a difficult time understanding a breakup. I suspect the breaker upper used reasons like “bad timing” to be kind, when the real issue was fundamental incompatibility. It would have been good for that letter writer to know the truth.
One last thing: you do not have be small. You are YOU (all caps), and can feel good about living your best life. Go out, have fun, and don’t feel bad about it. If you couple up, choose someone who loves the way you experience the world.
– Meredith
Readers? Any reason to give this more time? How would you approach the breakup?
Is there something on your mind about a relationship in your life? Or a relationship you wish you had in your life? Send your own question. Help others wondering the same thing. Use the form – or email [email protected].
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