He left to get his postdoc

Thursday | June 6, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

He left to get his postdoc

My partner of nearly four years moved across the country to do a postdoc. We ended things very amicably, and I did my best to try to move myself forward after he moved.

I fully supported his move; it’s what he needs for his career. But it has left me devastated. We have kept in varying levels of contact over the past few months. We made plans for me to visit. We had a great visit. We didn’t do too much unpacking of our relationship, but I felt like I had to share that I still loved him. I did, even knowing I could likely be rejected, which I was.

He said that he was in a different place in his life and that he would like to be friends. Ultimately, I understand his reasoning. At the same time, I am having the hardest time moving forward from this. In my heart of hearts I feel like we could get back together at some point in the future.

If he isn’t my person, how do I know? If we are going to be friends, what is the best approach given our past together?

– Post postdoc

Friendship might not be a great idea right now.

Later? Sure. But this breakup didn’t kick in – in your mind, at least – until this last rejection. There was a the hint, because of continued communication, that this could evolve into a long-distance relationship.

Then he said no. Now you have a better sense of the loss.

Instead of focusing on how to be his pal, let him know you’re getting over this. That you’re accepting the breakup, learning to move on, and trying to have fun at home without using your energy to give him a new kind of attention.

That’s the truth, by the way. You need time to get to a different place in your life. It was a four-year relationship! You can’t rush the healing.

You ask about him “being your person.” We all have a lot of people out there – some are friends, some are romantic partners. The right long-term significant other will want to make plans with you. He’s told you he can’t do that.

I can’t predict the future. All I know is that giving yourself some time without him – no calls, no texts, no contact –might give you a clearer look at the wonderful things to come.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you get over this kind of breakup? When is it OK to hold out hope for getting back together? How long should the letter writer take before talking to this ex again?

Going through it? Send your own question about relationships (dating, divorce, breakups, singleness, and friendships) to the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Breakups 🖤 College 🖤 Distance

Featured Comment

“He’s not your person because he let you go. He could have invited you to join him, he didn’t have to break up with you. This is how you know. No more visits, no more pretending. He made is choice, and you’re not included. I know that stinks, but better to face it now than to drag out the torture.”

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