He has to work for another 10 years
Q.
Dear Meredith,
I am heartbroken after my partner ended our relationship after seven years together. He decided during a trip that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me, despite still loving me.
How can someone who tells you they love you every day suddenly say they don’t want anything to do with you anymore? We have been in a long-distance relationship for the past few years and had set a goal to visit each other every month. I would fly to him, or he would fly to me. I flew to him more often than he saw me in my home state.
He was always generous, covering my airfare with points or money. I was invited to visit for two consecutive months to participate in family and social activities. However, for the past two months he has told me that I should find another man who can maintain the lifestyle I’m accustomed to, especially since he has to work for another 10 years. I have been fortunate in my career and have experienced financial success, while he will need to work for another 10 years before he can retire. I could be semi-retired now.
If he wanted to break up with me, why didn’t he do it sooner? I feel foolish for not recognizing the signs that he didn’t want to be with me.
I know I need to heal and forgive both myself and him to move forward, but it’s so difficult to let go. What advice do you recommend for moving on? I want to call him so badly to talk but I know I can’t. I want to know the why.
– Broken Heart
A.
It seems like he told you the why. He was covering expenses, and it became a stress.
Meanwhile, you’d like to be with someone who can treat you to flights or visit you without having to think about the cost or time away from work.
For that reason alone, you weren’t a match. It might have taken a few years for him to realize he couldn’t do this for another decade.
I do wonder why you didn’t do more to accommodate his needs – because it sounds like you’re in great financial shape. Would you have considered moving to him so he didn’t have to travel? Would you have been willing to share more so that he could retire earlier? I’m not calling you selfish or saying that you should have to cover his expenses, but if you were committed to this relationship and wanted it to work, I do wonder why you didn’t make it easier for him to continue to participate.
In the end, it does sound like you want someone who can be breezy about expenses and quality time. That is not this man. He told you to find someone who can support the life you’re accustomed to. That’s the point of this breakup.
My advice for moving on is to take your time and find good company. Hang out with friends and cry around some familiar faces. Then see how it feels to have a date or two with people who live in the area. You might love not having to worry about distance at all.
– Meredith
Readers? How can the LW make peace with this breakup? Is it worth reaching out if the LW is willing to pay for more?
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