He doesn't know if he wants kids

Wednesday | March 27, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

He doesn’t know if he wants kids

Need relationship advice? Get some help with your problems.

Send a letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

Hi Meredith,

I’m writing to you days into the heartbreak of my life. My boyfriend and I have been happily together for three years.

We have unending love for each other, we have so much fun, our chemistry has remained intact, and we’ve helped each other grow over the years. We live well together and balance each other in so many ways. We are such a perfect fit in every single way but one … which finally came to a head this week.

He isn’t sure he will ever be ready to have children or get married, two things I consider to be deal-breakers. I love kids and truly can’t imagine life without them. Trust me, we’ve had light versions of this conversation ever since we started dating, but how could we end things back then? We were madly in love within weeks of meeting each other. We always pushed off the inevitable, thinking that maybe he’d figure out what he wanted.

Unlike me (who has dreamed of having a family since I was a toddler), he doesn’t seem to be able to see any sort of vision of his future. He finally decided that he can’t do this anymore knowing that he might let me down in a huge way in 10 years when I can’t have children anymore. He wants to give me a chance to find someone who knows he wants the same.

We’ve been crying together all weekend, Meredith. It’s impossibly hard knowing that we both have doubts that this is the right decision, and still love each other more than anything. How can I cope with this heartbreak? What if I find out someday that he ended up committing to someone and having kids with them? I’m terrified to date again and get a roommate. He is so special in so many ways that I can’t comprehend how I could love anyone as much as I love him.

– Right person, wrong time?

Right person, wrong time? More like right person – for one part of your life. Now you’re ready for something else.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this heartbreak. I wish I could wrap you in a blanket and give you a timeline for getting over this loss, but I can’t. You’ll have to set up a new living situation, grieve the end of the relationship, and, eventually, start looking for someone new. It will be a lot of work – and some of it will be painful.

But you can do this. You have support. You know what you want. I can tell from your letter that despite being terrified, you can take action. Ask the people around you for help, even if it’s just sitting with you while you organize your home. Plan fun things with them.

Please know that it can be freeing and fun to be single after a breakup, even if you’re leaving a wonderful relationship. You’re going to have wildly new experiences – and you’ll learn so much about yourself.

I want you to know that yes, your now-partner might meet someone down the road and have kids with them. Maybe. But you can’t stay with him just in case. Even if he changes his mind, you’ll have spent years stressing out with your fingers crossed. That will chip away at what you share. Also, raising children is difficult! You want to be with someone who feels accountable for that decision. It shouldn’t be about him rallying, reluctantly, to join you in this.

If he changes his mind about his plans years from now, it will be because he’s evolved into a different version of himself. You might not be into that guy.

You say your relationship is perfect, despite this one problem. But I have to believe there will be other people who give you different versions of amazing. Maybe you’ll meet someone nice but messy, and you’ll bicker about how to deal with the house, but he’ll make you feel like you have a real partner in life decisions. Maybe this yet-to-be-discovered person will be a great, enthusiastic dad.

It’s possible you’ll be so much happier with someone new. Get through the next few months, and start the process of figuring it all out.

If you need to write in again for mid-breakup pep talks, I am here.

– Meredith

Readers? Help a reader who’s starting a new chapter. Talk about your own experiences. Send your own question [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

Breakups 🖤 It's time to have kids

Featured Comment

“LW, I was in the same relationship back in college. 3 1/2 years and great relationship but she wanted children and I didn’t. We even both gave in at one point and thought we’d just each capitulate to the other’s point of view.

But it just didn’t work.

It was a heartbreaking breakup, but eventually she met a great guy and had two daughters and has a great life.

That’s what you need to concentrate on, the great guy you’ll meet who wants the same life as you do. They are definitely out there. The children that you WILL have some day. This relationship just isn’t compatible with the life you want. Sorry to say but ‘that’s life.’ And sure, someday he ‘might’ change his mind. But there is no guarantee to that. I didn’t.

Saying ‘no’ to this relationship means that you can be open to a relationship that’s better for you. Promise.”

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