Dear Meredith, 

When I was 27 I was in a relationship with a man who was 30. I loved him deeply and thought we’d be together forever. For context, I haven’t had a serious relationship before this one.

Everything seemed perfect, but about a year in, jealousy began creeping in. It started when I drove a female friend and her boyfriend to a concert but forgot to mention the boyfriend would be in the car. My partner was upset, and from there the suspicion only grew. I tried to apologize for the mistake – but it planted a seed of distrust. 

At first, he began to accuse me of emotionally cheating, questioned my friendships, and scrutinized my work with male colleagues. I tried to adapt: I apologized often, agreed to avoid one-on-one dinners with male friends, pulled back on my communications in group chats with men from work, and even let him read my texts with certain male friends and shared my location.

It was never enough. The goalposts seemed to shift; he wanted me to commit to under 10 texts exchanged a month with certain male friends, and eventually asked me to cut people out for a period so he could “cool down.” This all felt controlling to me, but he said all he was asking for was reassurance and that better partners would be able to set stronger boundaries with their male colleagues and friends. He said it made me look guilty that I wanted to maintain these friendships. 

I thought by meeting some of my male colleagues and friends it would help him see I wasn’t cheating and ease his worries. I empathized that having a partner working in a male dominated field like engineering could be hard to grapple with. However, he insisted before he could meet any male friends of mine as a friend he would need to address the “disrespect” he felt already occurred by them texting me or being close to me in the first place. When he confronted one friend the very first time they met, it felt territorial and humiliating. We broke up. 

Since the breakup, I’ve been left confused. His words are on a cycle in my head. Would a better girlfriend been able to reassure her partner of her loyalty? If my ex was so hurt by these male relationships in my life, should I have been more willing to cut them out? I can’t stop wondering: was I unreasonable in wanting to maintain my friendships?

– Accused and Heartbroken