‘This Communication Is Too Often And Too Soon’

Tuesday | September 20, 2016

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

‘This Communication Is Too Often And Too Soon’

One quick update: Yesterday’s letter writer wrote to tell me you guys called it. “Commenters stating ‘this is too much drama and is a red flag’ ended up being correct. Her pattern with this guy was symptomatic of much larger issues.” The relationship is now over. Thank yous all around.

Hi Meredith,

I have an ex-boyfriend problem. A few months months ago, my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. I was crushed. He said he thought we were growing apart and that he felt we weren’t going to last through the next phase of his life (he was getting a new job, moving farther away, etc.). I think he might just not have been in love with me anymore.

We ended on fairly good terms and said we would “try to be friends” in the future. I was really sad for a while, but I’ve been traveling and working on myself and restoring some balance in my life. I’m feeling great.

The problem is my ex-boyfriend keeps contacting me every couple of weeks or so. He texts me asking how I’m doing, telling me about his life, and sometimes bringing up old memories. I don’t want him back and I’m never the one to reach out to him. However, I feel like his behavior – trying to be super friendly and bringing up past memories – is kind of unfair to me. He’s the one who dumped me. Shouldn’t he be moving on with his own life? Isn’t this leading me on? Of course I want to talk to him, because I miss him, but I feel like it might not be healthy.

Why is he doing this? What is he trying to accomplish? And how do I stop this? I don’t want to be rude, and I was being honest about wanting to be friends one day, but I feel like this communication is too often and too soon.

– Too Soon

Telling him what you need isn’t rude. You won’t have a good friendship if you can’t be honest about your feelings.

Some people don’t seem to understand that breaking up means losing access to the stuff you love about someone, not just the stuff that was getting old. Those people assume they’ll continue to get attention from their exes, like nothing has changed. But that’s not how it works. Breaking up is hard to do because you can wind up losing someone forever. That’s why it’s such a big decision. You dont get to pick and choose what you keep.

It sounds like you’re willing to keep him in your life, which means he’s very lucky. But it’s going to have to be on your terms, right? Let him know you’ll contact him when it’s good for you. Assure him that you’re OK and that you have your own community for support. Remind him that he can’t script the aftermath of the relationship.

– Meredith

Readers? Too soon?

Breakups 🖤