A complicated breakup

Friday | December 13, 2024

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

A complicated breakup

Hi Meredith,

I’m 23, I recently moved for a job post-grad, and I just broke up with my now ex-boyfriend for the second time. I guess old habits die hard, because I dated him as a freshman in college – then four years later as a freshman in my adult life. We broke up for the same reason we did the first time we tried: he just wasn’t as into me as I was into him.

I’m strong and am ready to choose myself, finally. The only thing that makes this complicated is that only two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I had an abortion – for many of the typical reasons (I’m 23 and have a career that’s just taking off). It wasn’t ever a thought in my head to stay pregnant. However, nothing could have prepared me for the experience and the feelings of loss and grief that came with the decision.

I thought I’d be OK, but now that he and I aren’t together anymore, I feel like I’m grieving again all over again. Everyone talks about closure and letting people go to finally move on, but how do I let someone go when they’re inextricably tied to something that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over?

– Grieving

I’m sorry this is complicated and that you’re going through so much.

I do hope you have excellent support right now. If you’re not in therapy, please consider it. You can also reach out to your health care providers to recommend groups, gatherings, one-on-one assistance, etc.

You can have followups with your doctors to figure out what’s happening biologically. Sometimes it helps to better understand your own body.

My thought: it’s been two weeks. This is so fresh, and you need time. And you’re right – you no longer have a partner in the mix as you figure out how you feel. But your life is going to made up of a zillion experiences. You can choose who’s around as you move through the good and bad. Friends, family … they become a part of the memories as you find a new routine.

You broke up with your ex for the right reasons. Please remember that, but don’t expect immediate closure.

I want to reiterate that you need the right support – and I’m only an advice columnist. Please seek out professionals who can be guides during this process.

I will tell you, even though it feels one specific way right now, everything will change again. There are less complicated and wonderful moments to come that will have nothing to do with this relationship.

If you need help finding a professional in your area, let me know.

– Meredith

Readers? Can you share your own experiences? Support? How to consider two related but different losses?

Send your own question. I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Breakups 🖤

Featured Comment

You can’t just push grief away. The only way to get over it is to go through it. I don’t mean you should dwell on it. But when grief wells up inside you, stop and let yourself feel it, examine it, experience it, name it — “there’s that grief again.” It won’t go away completely, but over time it will lose its power.

OutOfOrder Share Thoughts