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‘Real Housewives of Rhode Island’ Episode 5: ‘Schooner or Later’
It’s official: 'Real Housewives of Rhode Island' has teeth.
“The Real Housewives of Rhode Island” has teeth.
I said last week that Episode 4 was a noticeable step-up in Bravo’s first New England “Housewives” series. All the explanatory backstories and small dramas that made up the first three episodes finally gave way to real storyline.
Episode 5, “Schooner or Later,” cranked it up five notches. I admit, I gasped at one point — and laughed aloud at many points thanks to Alicia “The Quote Machine” Carmody’s peak Alicia moments.
Andy Cohen, can we get her a spin-off? Just Alicia being Alicia in her everyday life — from maintaining her doll collection, to rhapsodizing on pizza chips, snacking on Wheat Thins and discussing Janes Fonda? Would watch. (I’m not alone. The internet is in love.)
From a Rhode Islander’s point of view, I also need to point out something striking as we get to Episode 5.
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I deeply appreciate that this series is going beyond the Providence Bubble. We are a state, not a city. As a lifelong Newport County-er, never did I dream of seeing Portsmouth, Middletown, Newport – for that matter East Greenwich or South Kingstown – on TV so often. #RhodyRepresentationMatters.
Now here we go. Episode 5 saw two separate blow-ups, Jo-Ellen turning into Sherlock Holmes, and like the previous four episodes, more Rhody connections unearthed like onion layers. We are a state of Kevin Bacons–each of us six degrees from the rando behind us at Cumby’s.
Bravo uses only first names on the show to ID cast members, so I’ll stick with that format to make it easier for you. Now I’ll make like a kid with a coffee frappe and dive right in.
Cruise director
Rosie Woods DiMare, the former WJAR Channel 10 reporter, gets a FaceTime from her friend Anthony. He and his husband Jack are planning a sunset cruise in Newport on the Schooner Aurora.
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“Jack and Anthony are two of my favorite people in Rhode Island. We all just, like, kind of run in the same, like, gay circle, if you will,” she tells the camera.
He tells her to invite the “the girls.” Rosie says the last time she hung out with them it didn’t go so well. “I’m like, do I even have any friends?”
This alludes back to, well, a few things. (See recaps for Episode 1 and Episode 4.)
In Episode 1 Rosie stirred the pot at a beach picnic by asking if Kelsey was a polygamist. (Her boyfriend lives with another woman part of year; turns out Kelsey does have “another man.”)
In Episode 4 Rosie brought up Alicia’s quote about “walking on eggshells” around Liz at another group picnic, and pushing Alicia to the edge: “Rosie, I wouldn’t do that, doll,” Alicia said. “Don’t put shi— in my mouth… Don’t f— with me…You’re a f—ing troll… You’re so thirsty it’s scary.”
Jo-Ellen’s return
Jo-Ellen Tiberi is back from her work trip to Chicago, and heads to Alicia’s house to catch up on last week’s drama.
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Jo-Ellen says her grandfather just died at age 100. In a classic Rhody-Kevin-Bacon-moment, Alicia asks, “Was he my neighbor, your grandfather?” Jo-Ellen says, “Yes, he lived in Cranston right near you.”
Liz McGraw arrives and the three sit poolside to unpack Episode 4 drama. Liz explains that everyone was talking about how scary she is. (Something she owns.) Using her nickname for Alicia, “Cici,” she launches into an imitation of Rosie, using a smug catty voice:
“Rosie, out of the clear blue, looks at Cici and says, ‘Mmmmmm. Why don’t you tell her what you were reeeally saying the other daaay?” With an almost motherly pride, Liz says, “Cici stands up and says, ‘You f-ing, whoo-aah!’”
Translation: That’s “whore” in a Rhody accent so thick she sounds like Al Pacino in “Scent of a Woman.”
Alicia says: “I mean, I kind of feel bad, a little bit, that I called her a whore. But that’s a Rhode Island thing. Like, you just say ‘whore’ ‘cause it feels good.” (Keep ‘em coming, Cici.)
Jo-Ellen asks if Rulla Pontarelli talked about her (See Recap 3. Nutshell: Jo-Ellen insists Rulla’s husband Brian is still having an affair) Liz says no, and tells Jo-Ellen: “Attacking Rulla right now is kind of low-lying fruit, Jo. She is visibly going through it.”
Kelsey’s Salon
At Kelsey Swanson’s boyfriend’s mansion, Ashley Iaconetti, comes over to get her hair done. Yes, there’s a full hair salon in this mansion.
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Kelsey tells the camera that she met her older wealthy boyfriend when she was a waitress living with her middle-class parents. She went straight from her parents to his mansion, then “never had to work.” She says if ever decides to leave him, she needs to be “self-sufficient.” To get hair clients, she’s starting to post about her work on Instagram.
Ashley, of “Bachelor in Paradise” fame, says for her, posting to Instagram “is almost like money.” She has a deal with Royal Caribbean and is about to board a cruise to do an ad for their new ship. (Hence why she’s missing later in this episode.)
The only non-native Rhode Islander in the group, Ashley says she clings to Rosie. Kelsey says she feels she can’t get close to Rosie and was hurt when she did Rosie’s hair, and Rosie didn’t post about it on Instagram. She says Rosie has posted about “every other hair and make-up person” she’s used.
“That’s ’cause she’s threatened by me,” Kelsey tells the camera. “I’ve tried to see the good in Rosie. I cannot find it.”
Boo-hoos cruise
At Newport’s Goat Island Marina, the group meets for Anthony’s sail. This will be the first time Jo-Ellen and Rulla have seen each other since the Studio 54 fight.
“If Jo-Ellen starts with me, hopefully she’s a good swimmer,” Rulla tells the camera. “Newport waters are cold.”
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Rosie tells Ashley she likes these women but is “starting to get anxiety because every time I show up I feel like I’m getting punched in the face. And I’m not totally sure, like, why that is.”
Soon Liz and Kelsey join them. Kelsey tells Rosie that from her spray tan to her food, “you always post” about them on Instagram – but never posted about the hair-cut Kelsey gave her. It escalates into a yelling match.
“Oh my god, this b—I can’t,” Rosie says. “I know you use people for everything, but you’re not allowed to use me for clout.”
Jo-Ellen: Private eye
At Sombra in East Greenwich, Jo-Ellen and Rulla meet to hash things out. Jo-Ellen says she’s upset with Gary, not Rulla. Rulla says Gary’s affair is over. Jo-Ellen reiterates that it’s not, and claims she has proof.
She knows “the mistress” because their kids go to daycare together and the mistress showed Jo-Ellen texts. Jo-Ellen shows her phone to Rulla, who says she’d have to see more because the other woman could be faking the texts. She tells the camera that “this attempted home-wrecker is known for using AI.”
Jo-Ellen says the woman let her scroll through her phone. Rulla points out that she didn’t confirm this was Brian’s number. Jo-Ellen says Brian brings the woman coffee every morning. Rulla says Brian goes to the gym. “Does Brian look like he goes to the gym?” Jo-Ellen says.
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Rulla says Jo-Ellen is being “duped by the home-wrecker.”
Portsmouth blow-up
This all culminates in a group trip to Newport Polo in Portsmouth. The couples meet at Angelo’s Palace Pizza, Billy Carmody’s restaurant in Cumberland.
Kelsey brings Bill, (Bravo title: “Kelsey’s Other Man.”) While her boyfriend doesn’t like to hang with her friends, she says, Bill likes to be seen in public with her and “claim me as his.”
As Rosie makes drinks, Kelsey notes, “Everything she does irritates the sh— out of me. I’m going to pretend she doesn’t exist.”
Then! Right before they board a bus, Brian gets a call. He says his mom doesn’t feel well; his dad is taking her to the hospital. Gary and Rulla leave.
On the drive to Newport, they FaceTime Rulla, who says Brian left to see his mom. Just then, Jo-Ellen gets a text and gasps. She says it’s from a friend who knows the mistress and the mistress says Brian is headed there now.
“I think that’s far-fetched,” Liz says point-blank, summing up our feelings yet again. (Classic Liz.)
At the polo match, the women are gushing over Rulla’s massive wedding ring, and notice Brian isn’t wearing his. He says he took it off to put gel in his son’s hair. We see in a flash-back that he was wearing it at Angelo’s a few hours ago.
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Well, as you can imagine, Jo-Ellen freaks. She launches into full Sherlock Holmes-meets-“A Beautiful Mind”-meets-CSI-mode, unpacking every clue and detail in a timeline of the afternoon, starting from 1:15 p.m. when the “mom is sick” call came in, to when Brian and Rulla arrive in Newport after 5 p.m.
Brian goes to his car to get his ring, and slips it back on. Jo-Ellen freaks again: “the mistress” has just posted an Instagram story of her and Brian. She races to show Liz. Liz says she “stands corrected.” Liz and Jo-Ellen confront Brian.
“I’m not doing this on camera,” Brian says. “We’re leaving.”
Jo-Ellen tells Rulla in an aside that she’s trying to help. “If you want proof, I’ll figure it out,” she offers, like a seasoned private eye.
The best part: Alicia is taking all this in while snacking on Wheat Thins. (Crackahs: Don’t leave home without them.)
Alicia says she likes Brian, and understands Rulla made the decision to forgive. Rulla says “the pot is being stirred” by Jo-Ellen. Liz says she’s not “letting Jo-Ellen off the hook for digging too much into Rulla’s life,” but that there’s still an issue.
Favorite Quotes
Alicia “Quote-Machine” Carmody never disappoints:
- “Billy being Greek, his father’s name is Angelo. But if you say it in Greek, I think it’s Avalonjolist. Avalggositjevist.” – Alicia.
- “Let’s play a game. How about we start with the word A…I don’t know games. What’s a game?” – Alicia trying to think of games to play on the boat.
- “Oh my god l feel like the Little Mermaid! Like Ariel!” – Alicia, boarding the boat.
- “Did you ever wonder how Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue?” – Kelsey, watching boats in Newport.
- “This house could be the next Bachelor mansion.’ – Ashley, walking into Kelsey’s boyfriend’s house.
- “One time, Gerry and Michael Jordan fished against each other in a tournament and Gerry won.” – Liz (Wait, what.)
Lauren Daley is a freelance culture writer. She can be reached at [email protected]. She tweets @laurendaley1, and Instagrams at @laurendaley1. Read more stories on Facebook here.
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