‘The Bachelor’ Episode 3 Recap: And Jimmy Kimmel Makes 3

Juelia and ‘Bachelor’ Chris shared some alone time during the season’s third episode. ABC/Rick Rowell

By Kimberly and Meredith Liu

January 20, 2015

7 minutes to read

Superfan Jimmy Kimmel is along for the ride this week, taking Chris Harrison’s place at the helm of this sinking ship. Jimmy announces to the “sister-wives’’ that he is here to help Chris with some tough decisions, a task that will require “making love to each one of you.’’ Cue nervous laughter

Jimmy arrives equipped with his “amazing’’ jar. Anyone who describes Chris, their date, or anything else with this over-worked adjective has to leave a dollar in it. He conservatively estimates that they’ll be able to purchase the Bachelor mansion with the jar’s contents by the end of the season. Thanks for keeping it real, Jimmy. The episode is already off to a good start.

The first one-on-one date

Foul-mouthed Kaitlyn, who snagged a snog last episode, gets the first one-on-one date. The date card promise them access to an “exclusive club’’ with “high ceilings’’ and “sweeping views.’’ They think they’re headed for an extravagant outing until the limo rolls up to Costco. Maaaaan. Although Kaitlyn does happen to be wearing a flannel shirt for this adventure, so we’re not convinced she was fooled.

The two are tasked with hosting a dinner party for Jimmy. Cardinal rule number one of the “Bachelor’’ is to always pretend that you’re in a good mood, even when your glamorous dream date turns into a bargain shopping trip. Kaitlyn is quick to put on her best “happy to be here’’ game face. She’s rewarded for her attitude with some making out in the fluorescent-lit home improvement aisle. We continue to be impressed by Chris’s dedication to kissing as many women as often as possible.

Back at Chris’s pad, he and Kaitlyn prepare dinner and revel in the boyfriend-girlfriend quality of the experience. Once the steaks are seasoned and the salad is tossed, it’s back to making out. That is, until Jimmy gleefully joins the party. As third wheel, Jimmy feels like his role is to ask the hard questions: namely, will Kaitlyn be mad if she finds out Chris made “sweet, sweet, sweet love’’ to three other women in the Fantasy Suite?’’ “You can’t buy a car without test driving it,’’ she quips, instantly endearing her to Jimmy. “Come on now,’’ he says to Chris, “it’s not going to get any better than this.’’ Jimmy likes this pair so much he suggests a threesome. #kiddingnotkidding

At the date’s conclusion, Chris, with much sputtering, manages to award the rose to Kaitlyn. Jimmy makes one final dig at Chris’s terrible speaking skills (“Are there people on the farm or just animals?’’) and then gives the couple a few minutes of alone time. Later he returns to enjoy some buffalo wings in the hot tub, while Chris and Kaitlyn enjoy each other’s tongues.

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The group date

In the second farm-themed group date of the season, a dozen ladies (Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracey, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber Juelia, Ashley S., Samantha, Nikki, and Carly) are forced to cheerfully humiliate themselves in an Iowa-friendly relay race. Corn shucking, goat milking, manure shoveling, and wrestling a greased pig are on the agenda. This highly scientific assessment will determine which woman is most suited for life as a farmer’s wife.

Terminator Jillian, who could probably destroy Chris in a UFC fight night, is confident that she will prevail. Jillian is also wearing her third outfit of the season that requires a big black rectangle to be placed over her ass every time she bends over. The other women look understandably concerned.

But in a fun plot twist, underdog cruise singer Carly beats out the odds-on favorite. The poor lactose intolerant girl chugged a jar of goat’s milk to claim victory so God bless. Chris is in admiration of her skills and how cute she looks in her American Gothic get-up.

The victory emboldens Carly. At the evening cocktail party, she is the first to drag Chris aside and demand a kiss. Words goes around that Chris’s lips are open for business, and Amber and Jillian quickly follow suit.

Mackenize, who incorrectly believes she nabbed the first kiss of the season, is nonplussed and demands to know why Chris is kissing everyone. Oh Mackenize, leave the man alone, he’s “trying to find a wife’’ (the explanation given to camera by a straight-faced Amber). And that wife just might be hiding behind Jillian’s tonsils.

Now how do you stand out when everyone is swapping saliva with our Bachelor? Refuse to kiss him. Brilliant This clever tactic earns Becca the group date rose. Well played, Becca. You’ve pissed off the other 11 girls, which is how you know you’re making progress.

The second one-on-one date

The second one-on-one date is a day in wine country with helium-voiced Whitney. It’s probably a pleasure for Chris to be out with someone who giggles at a higher pitch than him.

As their conversation deepens, Chris begins listing the qualities he likes in a woman: positive, fun, spontaneous… Whitney absorbs this information as if she’s studying for the SATs. Spontaneous, you say? Your wish is my command.

Spying a wedding taking place across the vineyard, she suggests they crash it. “I’m spontaneous!’’ she reminds him.

At this point, we are confused. We assumed the producers set this up, but Chris looks so awkward and terrified that we almost believe this an impromptu suggestion from eager-to-please Whitney.

Regardless of the event’s authenticity, the night goes swimmingly for our couple. Despite her cotton candy facade, Whitney turns out to be a great liar, making her a big hit as a wedding crasher. You know who else are good liars? Sociopaths.

Still, Chris is smitten. “I can absolutely imagine Whitney being my wife,’’ he tells the camera just before giving her the date rose. Welcome to front-runner status, Whitney.

The cocktail (pool) party and rose ceremony

There is no standard cocktail party under Jimmy’s reign as “Bachelor’’ host.—this week ends instead with a pool party. The ladies suit up in their bikinis and prepare to jockey for a place next to half-naked Chris in the pool.

It’s all fun and games until Juelia pulls Chris aside and shares, in harrowing detail, what we learned last episode — her husband committed suicide shortly after their wedding. Chris is as comforting as he can be given the terrible circumstances (and the fact that she’s wearing a distractingly sparkly headband).

Chris switches gears quickly when Jade invites herself on a tour of his house, including a test drive of his bed. Their evaluation? Yes, the bed is indeed suitable for making out in. Jade, you may be late to the kissing party but congratulations on being the first girl to go horizontal.

Meanwhile, the large black censor bar that is Jillian’s butt decides to lurk in Chris’s hot tub until he comes out. By the time Chris is able to tear himself away from Jade and her stripper heels, Jillian’s butt has shriveled into a pair of large prunes.

But Jillian is not to be deterred. She accosts Chris and corrals him into the Jacuzzi with her. And she will not easily relinquish her hard-won prize. Despite the efforts of Ashley I., Mackenzie, and Megan to dislodge her, Jillian won’t budge from Chris’s side. She digs one of her meat hooks into the inside of his leg and refuses to cede alone time to the others.

This traumatic episode with big bully Jillian leaves Ashley I. bawling and in desperate need of consolation from Chris. The man has just comforted a woman whose husband committed suicide a year ago! Some perspective, lady, please. Ashley is able to stop crying long enough to make a meal of Chris’s face and this seems to cheer her right up.

As the eventful day draws to a close, roses go to Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian, and Ashley I. This leaves Amber, Tracy, and Trina empty-handed. The good news for us viewers is that with only 15 girls left, we are almost ready to commit to memorizing names.

Power rankings

With Chris sharing his time, and lips, with a broader range of ladies this week, the field is widening and the predictions are dicier:

1. Whitney: Whitney is not only fun at a wedding, but also has the cheerful perkiness of a Girl Scout troop leader. Farmer Chris is buying all the cookies she’s selling.

2. Kaitlyn: Cool girl Kaitlyn holds on to the #2 spot after a steamy one-on-one date with Chris. She likes steak, bourbon, and sexual innuendo. Soulmates or Chris’s new best buddy?

3. Britt: Oh Britt. You may have been relegated to a supporting role on the show this week, but we suspect you’re still playing the star in Chris’s sexual dreams.

4. Becca: After her tactical prudishness on a crowded group date, previous non-entity Becca makes a worthy debut on the power rankings.

5. Jimmy Kimmel: We love Chris Harrison, but Jimmy gets a power spot this week for being such a star guest host. He even managed to make Farmer Chris seem interesting. Best wingman ever.

Next week’s teasers reveal there are not one, but TWO virgins in the house. Any guesses on who the second is? Tune in next Monday, January 26, to find out.