‘The Bachelor’ Episode 2 Recap: Sharing is Caring
First things first: we left off last week wondering whether Chris would give first-night reject Kimberly a second chance at his heart. The verdict? She stays.
Farmer Chris doesn’t seem to realize this show has rules for a reason. Now he’s set a terrible precedent likely to lead to a permanent encampment of women on the mansion lawn. Perhaps ABC is plotting a “Survivor’’- style Exile Island twist to spice up this season? Obviously we’d be down for that.
Before Chris (Harrison) gives out the first date card, he lets the ladies know that Chris (Soules) is living right down the road. “There’s no rules here,’’ he promises, urging the already eager contestants to “create time, find time.’’ As in, wink wink, he’s going to leave the door unlocked. Chris Harrison, you dirty pimp, you.
Group date #1
Time for the first group date of the season. Mackenzie, Tandra, Jade, Ashley I., Tara, and party crasher Kimberly are invited to a pool party on the rooftop. Cue six half naked girls in a pool. This is fun, but swimsuits in water are old news! The party turns out to be an elaborate ruse to get the ladies into their bikinis for a way more interesting scenario: a tractor race down the streets of L.A. Yes, a tractor race. Proving you can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy.
The winner of the tractor crawl is Ashley I. of the “I love the ‘90s’’ belly button piercing and two-inch fake eyelashes. Her prize is some hasty alone time with Chris, snuggling awkwardly on the seat of a tractor with glasses of champagne.
But Ashley’s glory is short-lived when Chris decides to finish out the date with Mackenzie instead and send everyone else home. The pair head off to a bar to chat about life. Mackenzie seems nice enough but is an asinine conversationalist. She spends a good portion of the date talking about how much she likes a big nose on a man (apparently Chris’s fits the bill) and probing his belief in aliens. (Side note: We’ve got like 8 hairstylists in this house—how many episodes before someone gets this lady a straightening iron?)
Still, the sailing is relatively smooth until the Bachelorette reveals that she has a kid, named Kale no less. Chris reacts in the only way that he can given millions of people are watching and judging him: act like it’s no big deal. We can’t pinpoint why, but Chris seems to actually like Mackenzie and he caps the night with some kisses (exactly 6, according to Mackenzie’s detailed post-date recap to the other ladies).
The one-on-one date
After some helpful explanation from the other girls, Megan learns that the card delivered to the house is not a random love note from Chris but an invitation for the first one-on- one date. The well-endowed make-up artist from Nashville is treated to the classic “Bachelor’’ helicopter ride, this time featuring the Grand Canyon. During a post-ride picnic, Megan relates to Chris that her dad passed away right after she was cast on the “Bachelor.’’ She came on the show anyway because her mom encouraged her to “follow her heart.’’
Chris is impressed by both her sincerity and the way she’s rocking that low-cut tank top. And with that, the kiss counter ticks over to three. Atta boy. Luckily, Chris is a gentleman: he doesn’t kiss without awarding a rose afterward. And Megan is officially staying one more week.
Group date #2
There’s adventure in store for the eleven lucky participants on the second group date. Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt are dropped off in a dark, abandoned lot, where they are attacked by a horde of zombies. Chris shows up to offer assistance in the form of his burly arms and a stash of paintball guns.
In what actually looks like an awesome date, the girls hunt zombies through a movie set, led by Chris who looks very at home with an automatic weapon. Most of the girls successfully master the fine balance between looking like they’re having fun and not looking too at home taking part in a genocide.
Except one, that is. The crazy award goes to Ashley S., who first tries to shoot the other girls and then finds an already-eliminated zombie and stands over his body unloading her gun into him until one of the girls pulls her away. The craziness continues into the post-paintball cocktail party. Her speaking sounds like a spilled box of magnetic poetry. A brief, illustrative snippet:
Girls: Where did you go?
Ashley S.: Heard the truth.
Girls: About?
Ashley S.: That’s how I feel. It’s like . . . boom.
Girls: What’s boom?
Ashley S.: Boom! Like the truth. Boom!
[confused faces from the other girls]
Ashley S.: Go, like go . . .
Girls: Go? Where?
Ashley S.: Go find your own way to the truth.
Something is not right with this girl. Is it booze, drugs, or just Ashley au naturel? Chris promises (i.e. is begged by the producers) to take the time to investigate.
Other more promising candidates include Kaitlyn, who is “a firecracker’’ and obviously way cooler than Chris. “What the hell is she doing here for me?’’ he asks the camera. Aww shucks, his genuine modesty gets us every time. He kisses Kaitlyn too, since he wasn’t popular enough to in high school. It’s only fair.
Remember Britt’s “Free Hug from Britt’’ card from last week? Chris has returned the favor with a “Free Kiss’’ card for her. She’s really feeling him and he’s really feeling her tonsils with his tongue. Man, Britt is good. So good. Is she the real deal or a professional escort with geisha-quality training? Only time will tell.
Still, two roses in a row for frontrunner Britt might look suspicious. So Chris instead awards the group date rose to our favorite potty mouth, Kaitlyn.
The cocktail party and rose ceremony
The big news of the cocktail party is that someone has found Mackenzie that straightening iron! She looks great. And her alter ego—Mackenzie with Straight Hair—is just as strange as the original curly-haired version. She casually interrogates Ashley I. about her dating history and quickly uncovers this little gem: Ashley I. is a virgin. According to Mackenzie, this makes Ashley I. hugely attractive because “most guys like taking a girl’s virginity’’ and Mackenzie is certain Chris is just the type. In fact, Mackenzie would try the virginity ploy herself if the existence of her one-year old son didn’t give her away.
Encouraged by this pep talk, Ashley I. decides to get aggressive and goes in for an awkward, semi-horizontal make-out with Chris. She seems determined to prove that virgins can still be skilled in the lesser sexual arts.
With this, the dominoes start falling. Amber, along with the rest of the girls, sees Chris and Ashley making out and wants a spot on the bandwagon. She asks Chris if she too can get one of these kisses she’s heard about. “Sure!’’ says Chris and away they go.
With all last minute attempts to curry favor with Chris exhausted, it’s time to make the cut. Roses go to: Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia, Amber, Tracy, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Whitney, and crazy face Ashley S. They join early decision admits Kaitlyn, Megan, and Mackenzie on next week’s episode.
And we say auf wiedersehen, adieu to: Boozy Jordan, Second-chance Kimberly, Sports Fishing Enthusiast Tara, Flight Attendant Alissa, and some nice-looking but possibly mute blonde named Tandra.
Power rankings:
1 Britt: You can’t argue with chemistry or long lustrous hair. Britt maintains the top spot two weeks in a row.
2 Kaitlyn: Chris is somewhat in awe of the brash Vancouverite. He even thinks her Canadian accent is sexy. That’s gotta be a first.
3 Mackenzie: She’s fun, and Chris was willing to flout “Bachelor’’ meritocracy just to spend time with her. But she is the youngest contestant, and Chris could literally be her father. Although, perhaps a woman who names her child after a leafy vegetable could use a father figure in her life.
4 Megan: We didn’t really see the connection but you can’t deny the meaning behind a one-on-one date card. Plus, her heartfelt speech about her dad puts an unassailable tick in the “here for the right reasons’’ box.
5 Ashley I.: According to trustworthy source Mackenzie with Straight Hair, Ashley is “super pretty, has a good personality, and is a virgin.’’ Game over.
The preview of next week shows a visit from talk show host and “Bachelor’’ super fan Jimmy Kimmel. Don’t miss the fun, next Monday at 8pm EST.
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