Boobs, Farmer Jokes, and Crazy Girls: 8 Things to Expect from ‘The Bachelor’

Chris Soules, the stylish farmer from Iowa, is ready to put his heartache behind him to search for the one missing piece in his life - true love - when he stars in the 19th edition of ABC's hit romance reality series, "The Bachelor," which returns to ABC in January 2015. Craig Sjodin/ABC

By Meredith Liu and Kimberly Liu

January 5, 2015

4 minutes to read

With the holidays over and a gloomy, cold winter ahead, there’s only one thing that can keep us warm. The Bachelor is back! ABC has carefully curated a record 30 females of above average looks and below average inhibition, each of whom will do whatever it takes to win the heart of one lucky man (not to mention a Neil Lane engagement ring).

This year’s Bachelor is Chris Soules, a cast-off of last season’s Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman. Chris, the sweet and stereotypically Midwestern farmer, was the second runner-up who won the hearts of Americans with his charming manners, Rockwellian family, and barrel-sized chest.

In anticipation of this Monday’s premiere, here’s a taste of what to expect this season:

1. A lot of farmer jokes

Chris is a farmer from tiny Arlington, Iowa (pop. 429). There are probably more single, age-appropriate women on this season’s Bachelor than living in his hometown. ABC has already dubbed him “Prince Farming’’ and set his first promo in a cornfield. Expect a lot of Field of Dreams references (mostly from us as we recap it).

2. Love vs. geography

Given Chris’s profession, we anticipate much agonizing among the women over planning a future in an isolated rural town. The Iowa hurdle looms even larger given that only three of our contestants currently live in the Midwest (and of those, two are from big city Chicago). Nearly one-third are west coasters, followed by seven southern belles. Sadly, no New Englanders to root for this season.

3. Boobs

What’s The Bachelor without scantily clad women with cartoonishly flawless bodies? If the cast photos are any indication, expect lots of bikini time and prominent breasts, both large and very large. After all, true love is best tested in a hot tub.

4. White ladies

Speaking of the cast photos, we have a feeling this isn’t going to be the season that finally breaks the reality TV racial barrier. Although there is one “plus-size’’ contestant this year, so you can’t say the show isn’t evolving…

5. Limited career diversity

Each year, we look for and hope a doctor or rocket scientist has made their way into the mix (and indeed, last season’s Bachelorette Andi Dorfman was an assistant district attorney), but this year’s slate is overwhelmingly employed in stereotypically gendered professions. The top industries represented by our pool of 30 women are beauty (5), education (4), hospitality (4), and dance/fitness (3), rounded out by a model, a nanny, and a couple sweet euphemisms for unemployed (our favorites are “former NFL cheerleader’’ and “sport fishing enthusiast’’).

6. The crazy

You might be thinking at this point – hey, don’t judge people based on their jobs. There are plenty of smart people who also know how to style hair. True, true. But please read some choice comments from the women’s profiles to be assured that questionable ambition is not the reason to judge this batch. A quick sampling suggests there will be no shortage of crazy in this year’s crop (farm pun #1!) of women:

• Nicole, who seems to have confused a common mammal with a unicorn: When asked what animal she would be, she selected a wolf because it’s a “magical’’ creature.

• Jordan, who gave a refreshingly literal response when asked what she couldn’t live without – water – but then also included blush.

• Carly, who similarly said she couldn’t live without God or “cut-off denim shorts.’’

• Kaitlyn, who gave this surprisingly detailed plan for her lottery winnings: “Pay back my parents for all my dance lessons, buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland.’’

• Bo, who offered her guest list for the perfect power lunch: Beyonce, Rihanna, and Mother Theresa.

7. A guaranteed happy ending

The last season of The Bachelor went awry when the title character (Juan Pablo a.k.a. the least popular Bachelor of all time) drove the third-place finisher to madness, insulted the runner-up, and refused to propose to the winner. Given ABC’s interest in proving the show is not just about cat fighting, fantasy suite sex, or ogling good-looking people, you can bet we’re getting a proposal this season if Chris Harrison has to hold our farmer at gunpoint. Luckily, Farmer Chris is about as dissimilar to Latin Lothario Juan Pablo as you can get.

8. Our pre-season power rankings

While it’s early, when it comes to The Bachelor we consider it okay to judge our 30 new books by their covers. Here are our five to watch:

1. Britt has a perky smile and scads of long lustrous hair. She also likes God and helping kids. Could be a great combination for Farmer Chris.

2. Michelle has the perfectly generic and wholesome good looks of a contestant designed by Chris Harrison in a laboratory. Even her expectations are dialed to Bachelor setting: she describes her ultimate date as “A surprise trip to Waikoloa (Hawaii), a luau, a helicopter ride over volcanoes, and watch the sunset on the beach.’’

3. Nikki is both a former NFL cheerleader and a model, two occupations that tend to do well on this show. See Melissa Rycroft. She’s also in the market for a “gentleman with that old-school mentality,’’ which fits our Chris pretty well.

4. Ashley I. may be from the most disparate state from Iowa (New Jersey) but she has the perfect recipe for impressing on a first date: “Make him amazing cheeseburgers and watch football with him because that would be fun for me and him. Plus, my football knowledge is impressive.’’ She also has teeth shiny enough to blind a man.

5. Jillian is a news producer for Fox, one of the more interesting professions we’ve clocked. However, she hates mowing the lawn, which might make her a less-than-ideal candidate for farm life.

To see which of these predictions come true, tune in to ABC’s Lord of the Rings-length premiere on Monday, January 5 at 8pm EST. Then return here Tuesday morning for our recap.