How to Train for Marathon Wedding Season
Lace up your trainers (that’s right, trainers) like Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride, because it’s not a sprint.
The Boston marathon took place on Monday, but there’s a different marathon, one of the social variety, taking place all spring and summer long.
It’s wedding season.
Just as you wouldn’t run a marathon without training for it, there’s no way you should even consider heading into a summer of nuptials without the proper practice. You may have heard of Hal Higdon’s Marathon Training Guide, which runners swear by when it comes to readying their bodies and minds for the 26.2 mile trek they face.
What you may not have heard of is Charlotte Wilder’s Wedding Season Training Guide, which hasn’t existed until now, but which people the world over are about to start swearing by. Just as Hal has programs for novice, intermediate, advanced, and senior runners, I have also addressed various levels of experience.
DECIDING TO RUN A MARATHON (aka getting invited to the wedding):
You held her hair back in college, you shared pints of ice cream after that guitar player dumped her (he was a waiter, let’s call a spade a spade, here), and you dutifully attended couples brunches when she met the man of her dreams. Now you’re along for the ride as she heads for her big day, and your only job is not be a bad friend and not to wear white.
So in order to get ready, you’re going to get in shape with a series of smaller races.
TRAINING RACE #1: The engagement party
This is like the 5k of wedding events. It’s a generally pretty casual and probably at your friend’s parents’ house. You show up, don’t tell any stories from before she met her fiancé, eat the cake, and head home.
What to wear for training race #1: Anything that isn’t white.
Experts: Bring a bottle of nice champagne.
Novices: Bring a bottle of Fireball.
TRAINING RACE #2: The bridal shower
If you’re a novice and confused as to the difference between the shower and the bachelorette party, it’s this: Whereas the bachelorette is stacked with her friends, the shower is stacked with her mother, grandmother, and other female relatives. You’re also not supposed to get very drunk or swear at the shower. The endurance segment of this day comes when you watch her unwrap her presents, because there are usually many.
What to wear for training race #2: Pastel tones, nothing white, and generally nothing involving a crop top unless you want to be that girl that her aunt talks about—and not in a good way—on the car ride home.
Experts: You have a rotation of appropriate dresses, you give the same gift every time (monogrammed hand towels), and you keep a spool of ribbon in your kitchen drawer. You kiss her mom on both cheeks and know how to make inoffensive small talk, which means not telling the story about that work party where you sang “No Scrubs’’ with the bartender and somehow woke up with chocolate chip pancakes in your purse.
Novices: Just cling to the expert.
TRAINING RACE #3: The bachelorette party.
This is probably the most grueling race of all, save the wedding itself. It’s like the 20-miler you have to run before you head to Hopkinton. All paths are different for the bachelorette. Some races involve a stretch limo and one big night out on the town, but others require that you pull on your cowboy boots and head to Nashville for the weekend.
You’ve got to give a lot of yourself to this one. And maybe even some vacation days. You’ll play a bunch of games you don’t fully understand (some involving underwear) and you’ll wingman your friends or get wingman-ed yourself. You might even end up on a mechanical bull. There’s just no way of knowing.
What to wear to training race #3: Depends where you’re going. Is it a club night? Then I have no idea, I don’t go to night clubs. Is it a weekend away in a place prevalent with dive bars? Then wear whatever you want. Crop tops, dresses, flannel, your Halloween costume, it’s all fair game. Unless you went as a bride for Halloween, in which case, don’t wear that. Also don’t wear white. Ever. Just never wear white until you’re either married or super old if you want to be safe.
Experts: You went to an iParty and actually bought those sashes.
Novices: You ask if it’s cool to bring your one night stand from the bachelorette to the wedding. You’ll be ignored, because in what world did you think the answer would be yes?
THE MARATHON:
The big day! A few things to keep in mind: Don’t make the bride cry and mess up her makeup before photos, don’t make the bride laugh until she cries and messes up her makeup before photos, and don’t spill on yourself before the photos. Also, if you’re wearing white at this point all hope is lost and I don’t know what to do with you.
The beginning of race day is usually pretty smooth: You’re feeling good at the start as you toast with a glass of champagne before she walks down the aisle. You might feel a bit of fatigue during cocktail hour, but the sustenance that comes at dinner will give you enough energy to power through at least until “Shout’’ starts to play, when it becomes socially acceptable to eat a second piece of cake.
Your Heartbreak Hill comes when you realize the hot guy you’ve been dancing with is dating someone, and that he isn’t into your suggestion of “going to sit on the dock to look at the stars for a second,’’ but actually just make out.
The afterparty is a no-holds barred sprint: You’re dancing your hardest, you’re singing as loud as you can (“and the waitress is practicing POLITICS!!!!’’), and then the lights come on, you get yourself back to the hotel, and you sleep the sleep of a champion.
Experts: You ask your friend if that guy has a girlfriend before suggesting the dock thing.
Novices: You jump into the water.
THE DAY AFTER:
The Sunday (usually it’s a Sunday) after the wedding, you’re going to need the exact same things you’d need if you had actually just run close to 30 miles: Advil, a few Ace bandages, electrolytes (Pediasure is great, here), and a healthy dose of pride because you did it, baby. You made it through. Your medal is a cocktail napkin or a matchbook with the happy couple’s name on it.
On Monday you’re going to need to go out and buy a new pair of shoes because training for the next marathon starts in a week, and this time, the bachelorette is at Foxwoods.
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