War on New Year’s Eve! No! Valentine’s Day! No, Wait—Both!
Today John Oliver, currently on hiatus from his HBO show “Last Week Tonight,’’ ripped New Year’s Eve a new one in a YouTube-exclusive clip, where he compared this Thursday to the death of a pet: “You know it’s going to happen, but somehow you’re never really prepared for how truly awful it is.’’
Yes, it was hilarious. Yes, I agree with him. Yes, I’ve watched it at least five times since this morning.
But hear me out: It’s no worse than that other “holiday’’ about a month-and-a-half down the road: Valentine’s Day. And I’ve got the unscientific data to prove it:
Science!
Yes, New Year’s Eve is loud, messy, expensive, and there’s an irrational amount of pressure to participate. Plus, it’s seemingly unavoidable if you want to leave your house after 6 p.m. But if we’re comparing crowds, couples, and overtly vocal demand to make much ado about nothing, Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve are on pretty even playing grounds.
Each holiday even has its own celebrity smorgasbord box office smash—though 2010’s “Valentine’s Day’’ starred Taylor Swift, who also composed an original song for the film, so that makes it approximately 100,000 times worse.
But New Year’s Eve’s bad day trump card is the popular belief that a $150 ticket to an open bar and an “all-inclusive buffet’’ that features no more than two trays of baked ziti and a plate of chocolate chip cookies is an acceptable way to spend the night—an unfortunate decision that most 20-somethings will make at least twice in their 20-something years.
The silver lining is that it’s perfectly acceptable to drink yourself into an emotionally numb stupor because:
1. It’s so freakin’ cold and someone convinced you that standing in Times Square for six hours with 10,000 strangers and no bathrooms was a good idea.
2. It’s so freakin’ cold and someone convinced you standing in a crowded bar to watch Times Square on TV for six hours with 100 strangers was a good idea.
Plus: Ryan Seacrest.
The mounting pressure of New Year’s Eve comes to a head at midnight, when the clock stops, the ball drops, and in all ideal scenarios you share the perfect kiss with a loved one/friend/new friend/relative stranger. Most of the time, for single people, this doesn’t actually happen. But there’s the dream. Or the nightmare.
After five hours of binge drinking in sequins, you can trot home with a half-hearted vow to start fresh and new on January 1st—which, if you’ve played your cards accordingly, you will have off from work. Win!
For Valentine’s Day, it’s just overbooked reservations, forced prix fixe dining, and arm-in-arm, double-wide couples struggling with their inability to navigate city sidewalks. The very best thing that can happen the day after is that you don’t wake up with a fellow member of the Lonely Hearts Club and all the pink and red candy you could ever want is 75 percent off at CVS.
So, “Meh.’’ to New Year’s Eve! And “Oh, OK.’’ to Valentine’s Day. Both of you are relatively terrible, but socially and emotionally inescapable.
In both cases, both holiday’s solicit the buildup to a romantic life-changer that may or (most likely) may not end in fireworks.
But at least on New Year’s Eve, they’re kind of guaranteed.
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