Pop Quiz! Which of These 6 Dating Apps Is Fake?
Dating services—and dating apps in particular—are a tough market. More and more they’re not about finding someone but about minimizing disappointment, whether that’s rejection, prospects, or the experience as a whole. It seems every app and service pitch I receive tries to peg itself as the “next/new Tinder,’’ or the solution to all of Tinder’s biggest problems.
So, let’s play a game—it’s free, I promise. Below are quotes from press releases for new dating apps—but one of them is made up. Try to guess which are real and which is fake:
1. “Our new on-demand service will find people that actually want to meet you and you’ll be able to find a date as easy as it is to order a pizza or a cab.’’
2. “My app [allows] women to ask questions and filter through the men as they vote on those questions (screenshots below). Men cannot message women until the women give permission.’’
3. “A user’s ‘grade’ is a quality score ranging from ‘A+’ to ‘F’, and is determined by a sophisticated algorithm that analyzes popularity, responsiveness and message quality.’’
4. “[This app], however, solves this problem as users already know what each other looks like and more importantly, likes what they look, despite their profile pictures or specifications. Uncertainty, disappointment and rejection are therefore minimized.’’
5. “A tool perhaps every party crasher has dreamed of, [this app] removes obstacles like limited social networks or lack of promotion, empowering people to find and attend parties that had been unattainable, until now.’’
6. “The mobile sex finder uses location data from the phone to display nearby users for quick and easy access.’’
Okay. Wait for it.
Just kidding! They’re all real. We were misrepresenting ourselves—you know, like most people on dating sites.
And they’ve been unleashed into the wild for the single masses to use. Here’s what they are:
1. Pegged as “Better Than Tinder,’’ Clover plays itself up as a “less swiping, more dating’’ mashup of Tinder and HotelTonight. Maybe HotelTonight is a bit optimistic. Let’s try GrubHub—sometimes on time, sometimes hot, always costs you.
2. At heart, I believe SetMeUp comes from a good place, creating a completely controlled environment for the socially awkard looking for love. However, they attempted to convey a sense of understanding of online dating as a whole by appealing with this: “…a huge problem on Tinder is that guys don’t know what to say to girls when they connect. They often default to something stupid (or offensive) because they really don’t care one way or another.’’ Perhaps the problem is not that they don’t know what to say but that they don’t care. Also, that they say stupid and offensive things. That part, too.
3. In theory, the Grade is good. In practice, this is dystopian. We’ve become so unpredictable that we need a way to score and ban people who cross the line. For some, that line is wearing sunglasses in your profile photo—for others, it’s threatening users with explicit violence and sexual requests. This is what it’s come to, people. Grades.
4. Headturners is a bit diferent from your typical dating app: It’s really for stalking people you saw once on the subway. Or as the press release puts it, “Headturners would appeal to anyone who comes into close proximity of others in public, flirts briefly but does not stop to connect with them whether out of fear, uncertainly or lack of time, though they really wished they had. Almost everyone has had that experience at some time.’’ And almost everyone has been on the other end of uncomfortable eye contact on the train, for which opening the digital door for a friendly cup of java is the least wanted option.
5. KickOn originated in Australia, where it “works for events the same way Tinder works for hook-ups.’’ Because, like Tinder, you can demand a party the same way you would demand sex from a random stranger on an app only to find yourself with a door slammed in your face.
6. This is an app called Mixxxer. It’s like Grindr (with all its baggage), but also for straight people. It is terrifying and likely has zero female users, despite the pretty pink logo.
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