“Can I come too?” Elaine Varelas explores collegial relationships and after-hours outings
Despite a disparity in age or status, work relationships still matter. So what should someone do when they're feeling left out? Elaine Varelas offers advice for including yourself in social plans as well as some considerations that may affect the outcome.
Q: My coworkers are younger and work full time, and they often go out together after work but don’t extend invitations my way. I’m not sure if it’s because of my age or my per diem status, but I feel like our developing relationships should still matter. Am I wrong? Is there a professional way to engage myself in their plans?A:
It’s unfortunate that you have found a group that has chosen to be exclusive as opposed to inclusive. Regardless of your employment status or age, relationships always matter at work. Positive relationships typically enhance people’s ability to succeed professionally, increase employee engagement, and make it easier to do great work. Perhaps because of your age, their assumption is that you’re not interested in joining them on any of their outings. Do you feel a stronger connection to one of these colleagues? Does he or she have a higher EQ than the others? Letting them know that you’d love to be included sometime – and you promise not to act like a chaperone – may help you get the invitation you desire.
You’re not wrong to want to be included. This could be just an oversight as opposed to an intentional slight. There’s no right way to barge into a group of people making plans, and it may feel awkward, but through your conversation with whoever you think is going to be the most amenable, you can let them know you’d love to be included. And the alternative is that you can extend the invite yourself. Ask a few of your colleagues if they’d like to join you to a specific destination on a specific day. This act of inclusiveness may provide a not-so-subtle clue that you’d like to join them in a social setting.
You haven’t described your gender, you’ve only described your age. If there is a gender difference at play here – if your coworkers are younger women, and you’re an older male – then they might not feel comfortable including you in their social activities. If the reverse is true, the reaction may be the same. You may decode that lunch is a better invitation than drinks after work to develop a collegial relationship. They may like you professionally, but choose not to socialize with you because of the different life experiences. If they do invite you to drinks after work, or something similar, don’t overstay your welcome. Recognize that you are in a different circle than they are. Have one, thank them for inviting you, and move on.
Just remember that you don’t have to wait for them to come to you, and you don’t need to be at the center of a social circle that is not “for you.” Be proactive, talk to them, invite them out, and you may find yourself feeling more and more included.
