The 5 stages of grief, aka, my life on a 3-day juice cleanse
It got to the point where I was planning my day around the love of my life. I was happy when I saw him; I was angry when he was gone too long. But he controlled my everyday decisions, so I thought going on a break would cleanse my life of all his toxins and baggage, and I’d emerge a healthier, happier person.
I broke up with food. I did a three-day juice cleanse.
Breakups suck.
Instead of feeling liberated and happy, I was a hungry hothead, sipping on liquid salad. More specifically: unwashed salad. There may have been actual dirt in my juice.
A juice cleanse is really a fancy way to say liquid fasting. The idea is that drinking only juices high in nutrients and low in fiber gives the body a break from digestive stress and allows the body to flush out any excess toxins. The science behind the health benefits of cleansing is mixed, with some medical professionals supportive of cleansing while others advocate for the body’s built-in detoxification mechanisms, like the liver.
In the cleanse I purchased, I received a total of 18 juices for $170. Each day, I drank six, 12-ounce bottles of juice, each given a cutesy name like “Morning Joe’’ or “Midday Hump’’ to help remind me what time of day to drink them.
I never expected to miss food to the extreme that I did.
Athough we’ve since made up and gotten back together, I grieved for our (temporary) split.
Day one ran relatively smoothly. With earphones in, I was able to avoid chatter (and lunch). I wasn’t hungry until 3 p.m. As a self-acclaimed “grazer,’’ I was surprised that my lack of snacking wasn’t hitting me harder.
Rebecca Greeley, owner of cleanse company The Ripe Stuff, said that detoxes can help to foster healthier habits, like less office snacking.
“The whole point of the cleanse isn’t about weight loss, necessarily,’’ she said. “It’s about resetting your cravings and your habits and just tuning into your body. When you are on the cleanse, you realize, ‘I don’t really need that snack at 4 o’clock.’’’
And I didn’t. Or my pre-workout snack. I thought to myself that this three-day cleanse would be a breeze if only the juices tasted more appetizing. Or even just less like salad.
I was wrong.
I completed my light workout at 7:30 p.m., and I went home to shower. The smell of deep-fried fat hit me as I walked through the door. I wasn’t expecting to see them there, steaming hot and lightly salted. They caught me off guard.
My family had ordered takeout, and we never order-in on a weekday.
I walked closer to the counter to stare at the perfectly battered rings.
I bet they don’t even taste good. They’re super greasy. I’m not even hungry. I don’t need you onion rings. I’m GREAT.
I turned my back and took a step away. I then immediately pivoted, grabbed the largest onion ring, and crammed the entire thing in my mouth in one bite. Oops.
By day two, I heard the words, ‘You must be so hungry’ about 100 times.
Well of course I am. I haven’t eaten solid food in over 24 hours, and these juices are disgusting.
“A little, but I’m good. Thanks for checking in.’’
Not.
Wow, that was aggressive.
I was “hangry.’’
But apparently, I had good reason to be. Dr. Brad Bushman, a professor of communication and psychology at The Ohio State University, has researched aggression and violence for nearly 25 years.Hee told the Huffington Post that the brain needs energy to exercise self-control like what’s needed in a juice cleanse. The brain is only about 2 percent of your body weight, but he said it uses 20-30 percent of the calories we consume from food. Fewer calories translate into a shorter fuse with co-workers.
I parked my car and just sat there. My limbs felt like they’d been replaced with weights that seemed unbearable to carry. I gave myself a five-second countdown to mentally prepare, and then I finally got up to make the climb up the stairs into my house. Those five steps were brutal.
My breathing was heavy, but my head was light. Is this really worth it?
One of the many claims of cleansing by loyalists is that juicing gives your digestive tract a break because of the lack of fiber. This allows your body to detox.
Joan Salge Blake, a nutritionist and clinical associate professor at Boston University, said that the body doesn’t need a cleanse to detox, because it has an inherent, built-in system for that.
“The liver is a great organ, and the kidneys are, too. They allow you to get rid of waste products that the body doesn’t need,’’ she said.
Still, if I was going to do this cleanse, I had to do it right and follow the rules, even if I had given in to an onion ring. Then I remembered the tip sheet that came with my cleanse.
“Need something a little extra? Step away from the pastry line,’’ the sheet warned. “There are healthy options for those who need a little something to curb the hunger along the way.’’
I could try 10 raw almonds, a quarter to a half of an avocado, some celery sticks or some mixed greens with lemon juice. Think about it: mixed greens with lemon juice as something “extra’’ after downing a green juice of liquid spinach, kale, romaine, cucumber, celery, lemon, and (supposedly) green apple. The very thought made my stomach do a backflip. So I opted for the avocado instead, promising myself that if I didn’t eat anything else for the rest of the cleanse, I could go to Shake Shack as soon as it was over.
The room started to steady as I slowly savored the buttery, soft avocado that might as well have been a steak. At that point, it really didn’t matter.
The happiest part of my day happened by 11 a.m. “The Ten O’Clock Meeting,’’ a delightful blend of pineapple juice and mint, was the only juice I liked. My glass was half empty by 11:05 a.m., as was my perspective on the rest of the day.
By 1 p.m. on the last day of the cleanse, the juices were too much. I held my nose, chugged the orange juice made from mostly carrots and hints of orange, and quickly guzzled water after each sip to get it down.
I was actually anxious to drink the salty, salad green juice again at 5 p.m. so, instead, I chucked it in the trash and opted to go hungry.
A delightful cloud of steam rose from the sexiest sweet potato I have ever seen. I slid a fried egg on top, finishing the dish with fresh arugula and a drizzle of balsamic vinegar. I was surprised I was able to fry the egg; my cognitive functions had been so off. I was even slurring my speech by the end of day three. I lost four pounds in three days. This one-size-fits-all style cleanse didn’t fit me.
Lisa Pearl, a licensed clinical nutritionist and eating disorder specialist, said the issue with cleanses is that people tend to try them with little guidance about what is best for their individual needs. A one-size-fits-all generic, online cleanse is not the way to go, she said.
“Call a nutrition therapist in your area and really look at the best ways for you to eat to begin with,’’ she said. “So often people changing up how they feed themselves really changes how they feel without having to go to extremes.’’
As I gazed down upon the most intricate breakfast I had ever prepared for myself, I realized I couldn’t live without solid food for very long. Physically my body could live with only the nutrients I had consumed in the juices over the last three days, but that wasn’t a happy lifestyle or a mindset I want to ever revisit. Ever.
They say if you love something, you have to set it free. After juicing for three straight days, I’m happy that I’ve found my way back to food. I would say our relationship is the exception to the rule.
I celebrated that epiphany with a cookie.
Semi-related: Lobster rolls around New England
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