ClickHole wrote one of its most insane articles yet, and it’s about Boston

By Emily Anderson @emilymands

November 6, 2015

3 minutes to read

ClickHole is a satirical website made by the same folks who created The Onion. They specialize in making fun of clickbait journalism – that nonsensical slosh that can clog up your Facebook feed.

On Thursday, ClickHole wrote one of their most unhinged articles yet. And it was about Boston! Designed as a choose-your-own-adventure, it made up a bunch of non-facts about the city that got weirder and weirder. Like most ClickHole posts, it was great.

Warning: the article has a very NSFW headline and explicit themes throughout.

It can be found here.

Below, we compiled some crucial (fake) facts we learned about Boston, courtesy of ClickHole.

1) Boston is a city in the state of Marpuss.

You’ve been spelling Massachusetts wrong this whole time. It’s actually Marpuss, and Boston isn’t actually a major metropolitan area at all, it’s “incredibly old and small’’ and only famous because “in 1997, a man dumped $6 in coins into a fishbowl while staring at a picture of Boston.’’

2) In Boston, you can only be charged with insurance fraud if you’re younger than 10 years old.

If you are over the age of 10, you can get away with it totally scot-free. I didn’t say it, the mayor did. I don’t make the rules.

3) The Red Sox are a) hungry, and b) quiet.

Hungrier and quieter than any other MLB team in the entire nation.

4) State Street isn’t State Street at all, but an ancient, precious castle.

Don’t you feel really dumb for thinking it was nothing but a T stop? It’s so much more. It’s where Thomas Jefferson and King George III co-wrote the Declaration of Independence. It’s also where Marty Walsh “lives and does his private trouble.’’ Yes. Private trouble.

5) All the fish in the Boston Harbor are dead.

Because ever since the Boston Tea Party, people have been dumping beverages in there willy-nilly just as a tradition. And when Bostonians were helping fight off Hitler in WWII, they dumped 6,000 cans of Coca-Cola in there. What do you mean you’ve been eating locally-caught fish this whle time? That’s disgusting. Go to a doctor.

6) Paul Revere was British.

He actually yelled “I’m British! I’m British!’’ during his infamous ride. Weird how he’s basically been misquoted this whole time.

7) Harvard is not a college.

It’s a “special jail where people with too much math are imprisoned forever and forced to teach each other about poems.’’ And the only way to be released before your sentence is up is to invent Facebook.

8) Harvard’s Department of Religious Studies has a major theoretical question on their minds at all times.

“Does God wear a sharktooth necklace in Heaven?’’

9) Faneuil Hall is actually called Adultery Square and it’s the most historic part of all of Boston.

You know, the place where George Washington wrote the line ‘Adultery Is Good’ into the Bill of Rights? What do you mean you haven’t heard about that?

10) The Deans of Harvard are Sunrise Man and Midnight Man.

And they’re twins.

11) Harvard has an incredibly prestigious Yelling Sciences program.

They’re working on a new kind of yelling. Right now.

To read more rare historical facts about this city that you thought you knew so well, read the entire article posted to ClickHole.