‘The Bachelor’ Episode 5 Recap: Welcome to Crazy Town! Population: Kelsey.
We’re down to 11 ladies, and that means it’s time to pack up those bikinis and sparkly cocktail dresses, and hit the road. First stop: sunny Santa Fe, New Mexico. The ladies are thrilled, particularly geography whiz Megan who’s super excited to be leaving the country for the first time.
The first one-on-one date
Cruise ship singer Carly, who killed it two weeks ago in the “Would you survive on a farm?’’ challenge, snags the first one-on-one date. Chris knows he likes her as a friend, but today he is going to push himself to test their romantic chemistry.
Cue Tziporah, a woman we find meditating by the pool, dressed in a southwestern blanket and earrings made of feathers plucked from an ancient phoenix (i.e. the Urban Outfitters spring line). Tziporah is a “Love Guru’’ who is going to bring out the “juiciness’’ in Chris and Carly’s relationship.
The Love Guru leads the pair through a series of exercises that include chanting, fondling various body parts, and rubbing chocolate on each other’s faces. Carly, who is “terrified of physical intimacy,’’ is already in her personal hell, but it only gets worse. The Love Guru (slash pervy voyeur) then forces Chris and Carly to start disrobing each other. A shaking Carly gets Chris’s shirt off and unties the drawstring on his pants before she finally whispers, “I feel uncomfortable.’’ God bless you, Carly for saying what we’re all thinking. Chris gratefully agrees, and the pants stay on.
Unfortunately, the awkwardness quotient just continues to climb. Now fully clothed, Carly straddles Chris, and the two breathe into each other’s mouths. The whole foray into awkward soft-core porn is awful to watch, but it does seem to satisfy Chris that he would be interested in having actual sex with Carly in the future. After a candid conversation between the two, Carly gets a very hard-won rose and a free pass to Week 6.
The group date
An equally adventurous date is in store for this week’s group. Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley, and Kelsey head out for a white water rafting trip down the Rio Grande.
It’s smooth sailing until the boat hits some rapids, and poor Jade tips overboard into the freezing water. Luckily, Chris’s brawny arm is the best life preserver a girl could want. He gallantly scoops his fallen lady out of the water before taking her aside to rub her frozen feet back to life.
Things get interesting during the after-party when ousted contestant Jordan shows up looking for a second chance. Jordan got the boot in Week 2, mostly because she seemed more interested in the free booze than in Chris. Apparently she lives in Colorado, and when she heard the show had moved east, she drove 7 hours to come and say, “What’s up?’’ Despite barely recognizing her, Chris is all, “the more the merrier!’’ and decides to let Jordan stick around.
Needless to say, the other women are not happy. This is the second eliminated woman that Chris has let return, and the contestants are tired of whacking the same moles over and over again. Ashley is especially peeved, chastising the other girls for treating their new enemy Jordan like a human being. “We should not be nice to her right now!’’ she shrieks. Disney Princess Whitney is pretty appalled at Ashley’s mean girl tactics, and speaks up for Jordan, instantly adding her name to Ashley’s growing blacklist.
Chris ultimately caves to the pressure of the existing bachelorettes, and he sends Jordan packing for a second time. Good job ladies—way to take control of the game. With Jordan out of the way, Chris is ready to give the group date rose to someone who “has a way of making me feel special.’’ He then awards it to an ecstatic Whitney, proving that sometimes nice girls do finish first.
The second one-on-one date
Early frontrunner Britt finally gets a one-on-one date and a chance to regain some momentum. She’s even going to take a shower for the occasion, which according to Carly is a rare occasion. Is this the secret to her gorgeous shiny hair?
Chris sneaks into the girls’ hotel room at 4:30 a.m. to rouse Britt for the date. Luckily, Britt sleeps in all of her make-up and looks freaking perfect, despite the surprise. She looks so good that Chris can’t help but land loud, smacky kisses on her, much to the irritation of her now-awake roommates.
Their date is a hot air balloon ride over the stunning New Mexican countryside. But looking at the landscape below is not nearly as interesting to these two as looking into each other’s eyes and kissing. Hardly any time passes at all before Chris remembers everything he first liked so much about Princess Shinylocks.
In fact, he likes her so much that he invites her back to his hotel room for room service, which turns into kissing, which turns into a trip to Chris’s bedroom with the door shut. Wow, Britt. Game on.
When Britt finally returns home with the rose in tow, she isn’t shy about sharing the details of her date with the other girls, including the key fact that she and Chris were alone in his room for two hours “taking a nap.’’ (Jeez, two hours? Congrats to both of you.) This little recap doesn’t sit well with anyone, especially Kelsey. Oh Kelsey, the players gonna play, the haters gonna hate. Just shake it off, girl.
Alas, shaking it off is not an option for Kelsey. She correctly gleans that The Bachelor is a zero-sum game, and if Britt’s stock is rising, hers is plummeting. Kelsey is particularly worried that Chris doesn’t yet know that she’s a recent widow (her husband died of congestive heart failure two years ago). She’s convinced that he needs this information before the next rose ceremony.
She pays a visit to Chris’s hotel room, and shares her tragedy with brave tears. Chris is incredibly sympathetic and after a long embrace, they have their first kiss. Poor Kelsey, we misjudged you. You are a real person with feelings—or are you? In Kelsey’s post-date interview, she is decidedly less weepy. “Isn’t my story amazing?’’ she gushes to the camera, grinning. “It’s tragic. But it’s amazing. I LOVE my story.’’ Did you just admit to using your husband’s death to further your fate on a ridiculous reality TV show? Oh good lord, this woman is a sociopath.
The cocktail party and rose ceremony
The cocktail party starts out normally enough. Skintight dresses, check. Fake eyelashes, check. Then Farmer Chris enters and sounds chipper enough, but he quickly unravels as he talks about the drama from the group date and his intimate conversation with Kelsey. He is suddenly overtaken with emotion, and has to leave the party to get himself together.
With Chris gone, Kelsey smugly reveals to the other girls that she told her “story’’ to Chris, and it basically secured her future here. She then adds, with crocodile tears, that she’ll be sorry to say goodbye to some of the girls tonight. Several of the girls now worry that Kelsey and her widowhood will beat them out for a rose. Ashley, in particular, is concerned that her own sad situation (being a virgin) isn’t quite as traumatizing as Kelsey’s (having her husband drop dead). We always complain about the lack of diversity on the show, so it’s really nice to have a sociopath and a narcissist this season.
Chris Harrison, always on hand in an emergency, arrives to announce that there will not be a cocktail party as Farmer Chris has already made up his mind. Despite her earlier confidence in Chris’s decision, Kelsey’s confidence now wavers. She walks out of the room and promptly collapses in a nearby hallway in an apparent panic attack.
The episode ends with Kelsey convulsing in the hallway, the ladies looking confused but generally unconcerned in the living room, and Farmer Chris is still outside brooding.
Power rankings
We may have been left hanging on this week’s roses, but we don’t need the formality of a rose ceremony to tell you who’s on top this week.
1. Britt: It’s taken four weeks, but welcome back to number one. Britt is the first to get truly private time with Chris, and she looks flawless at every hour of the day. That’s a tough act to follow.
2. Whitney: Whitney stood up to mean girl Ashley, and this makes her good wife/mother/general human being material. She also snagged the rose on a crowded and catty group date, proving Chris hasn’t forgotten her.
3. Kaitlyn: Kaitlyn didn’t get a lot of time with Chris this week, but her consistent performance keeps her in the number three slot.
4. Jade: Jade is lying low in the dark horse position, but she did get a little personal attention due to a near drowning, and remains a viable contender.
Special commendation – Kelsey: Kelsey does not make the power rankings, because she doesn’t have a chance in hell of keeping a lid on all that crazy until the end. However, she gets a special acknowledgment for successfully capturing the spotlight for the entire episode. Is she a genuine contestant on The Bachelor, or the subject of the next season of Serial? Only time will tell.
Next Monday, tune in again at 8p.m. to find out if that panic attack is the real deal, and who ends up surviving the rose ceremony.
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