Stephon Marbury Has His Own Chinese Musical, So Why Not Other Celtics?
Get your popcorn and vaseline-flavored snacks ready, Starbury is coming to a theater near you.
Former Celtic Stephon Marbury will be starring in a new Chinese musical about his life, titled I Was Marbury. Marbury spent a season in Boston before doing some crazy stuff on YouTube and finally winding up in Mainland China. Since his arrival in 2010, he’s become a legend in the country, appearing in five all-star games and winning two Chinese Basketball Association titles. Most of us are unlikely to ever catch a CBA game, so our last memory of the two-time NBA all-star probably happened in Kelly green.
Tickets for the production went on sale in August, and the play is set to have a new special guest each night, ranging from former NBA all-star Yao Ming to league journeyman Wang Zhizhi. At some point in the production that chronicles the 2011-2012 Beijing Ducks season that ended in his first CBA title, Starbury delivers a monologue about Marbury. Not about himself. About Marbury. “I Was Marbury,’’ he reminds those who’ve forgotten. “You are Marbury. We are all connected.’’ After each line, a chorus of Chinese actors repeats the sentence in Mandarin. He continues: “I am a champion. You are a champion. But it was all yesterday. We will never stop working hard. We will never be satisfied. We will always keep moving on.’’ The show is slated to run from October 1 to the eleventh at Beijing Wukesong Stadium, with tickets ranging from $30 to $270.
Throughout Celtics history, we’ve had the privilege of housing some eccentric, entertaining, and just plain comical players and personalities. As amazing as Marbury’s production sounds, wouldn’t it be even better if this theater company decided to make a series of musicals based on the lives of other former Celtics? We’ve got a few theatrical ideas for some of your… err… favorites.
Kendrick Perkins – Bühnenfestspiel
Perk is whistled for a flagrant foul after he raises Blake Griffin’s body above his head
Oklahoma City Thunder center Kendrick Perkins
and throws him to the ground away from the ball. Incredulous at the call, he throws one of his own teammates to the ground. He is immediately ejected. As he angrily removes his Thunder jersey and walks to the back of the scene, he stops, turns toward the audience and begins his monologue. “I am Perkins. You are Perkins. We are all connected. None of us have ever committed a foul. I am shocked at this foul call. You are shocked at this foul call. But that was yesterday. We will never stop working hard. We will never log a meaningful minute in OKC again. We might fight Zack Randolph. Kevin Durant just made us cry.’’ He puts his jersey back on inside out. It’s his old Celtics jersey. Cacophonies of referee’s whistles follow each sentence. The theater company cancels 25 of the allotted 82 shows.
Antoine Walker – Burletta
Antoine Walker is sitting at a table with a business associate, laughing and swilling expensive spirits in an Italian suit, when the bill arrives. The festive music in the background comes to a sudden halt. As the rest of the stage lights return, we see 110 players dressed like ‘Toine, with their pockets turned out. As Walker begins his monologue, they shout “one hundred and ten million dollars!’’ after each sentence. “I am Walker. You are Walker. One of us is gonna have to pay this bill. Don’t all jump at once, Walkers. We had, like, a ton of money. So much money. But that was yesterday. We will never stop kicking ourselves. We will never see that kind of moola again. We will never stop working hard. Stop laughing. We will keep moving on. We just won’t move back on defense if we don’t touch the ball. Who wants to see our dance? No one? Okay.’’
John HavlicekHondo is fiercely defending a series of inbounds passes against various historical duos: The Wright brothers, Caesar and Brutus, Abbott and Costello and Sonny and Cher. Houdini manages to throw the inbounds pass and teleport behind our hero to receive it, but Hondo otherwise steals each and every ball to raucous applause as he speaks this monologue. “I stole the ball! You stole the ball! We are all stole the ball! I am a champion because I stole the ball! You are a champion because I stole the ball! We will never stop stealing the ball!’’
Ray Allen – Opéra lyrique
Ray Allen is shooting jumpers in his backyard in a pair of pristine, never-before-seen pair of Air Jordans. He looks over his shoulder and dodges a flaming dart. Kevin Garnett is heard speeding away, crying “Anything is possible!’’ Allen wipes the sweat from his brow and begins his monologue, draining a three between each sentence, as the orchestra plays Peter, Paul and Mary’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane.’’ “I am Allen. You are Allen. We are all connected. Except the Rondos. Forget those guys. And the Riverses. They wouldn’t let us handle the ball more, even though that hadn’t been a strength of ours for like four seasons. I am a champion. You are a champion. We are champions two more times than those guys who don’t return my phone calls. But that was yesterday. We will never stop moving on. Specifically, we will never stop moving onto the team with the best chance of winning.’’
Shaquille/Jermaine O’Neal
“DNP’’
Walter McCarty – Favola in musica Soothing R&B music plays in the background. Walter’s guitar is thrown to him from offstage. It’s thrown short, he dives for it, clutches it, and calls timeout. He rises to begin his monologue. “I am Walter. You are Walter
Walter McCarty
. Tommy loves us all. It’s a shame we aren’t champions, but we had some damn good years in the Garden. We will never stop working hard. I mean it, I just dove to save a pretzel I dropped. I can’t stop. Also, our album was pretty good. Not even joking. Take a listen if it’s anywhere online.’’
Red Auerbach – Festa teatrale Red is seen walking from Kurt Rambis’ car, which is leaking an alarming amount of brake fluid, while villainous music plays. He wipes his hands, then cuts and lights a cigar. With a knowing smirk, he walks to the front row of a playoff game. Bird is nearby, stretching his back. “I am Red. You are Red. We are all connected. We put together a few of the greatest rosters this game has ever seen, and still managed to make sure the visitor’s showers ran cold. Ask Kurt Rambis how he feels about those teams. That’s what we call franchise management, folks. We are a champion. We are all connected. We would’ve won more if it weren’t for Bird’s back and McHale’s feet. There’s a smoking section here in heaven, trust us, we know. You’re welcome for that free throw, Paul. Me and that Rondo kid you’ve got would have a field day.’’
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