Hey Massachusetts, It’s Time to Stop Driving
At some point today, you are probably going to be in a car. Presumably, you will be in that car because you are driving it somewhere. But if you do get in that car, and you feel compelled to start driving it to a place, please allow us to warn you: Based on all we’ve heard about operating a vehicle in Massachusetts, you should do everything in your power to find another mode of transportation.
Please, before you start the ignition, allow us to explain.
There is traffic all the time. It’s everywhere and our government actively makes it worse by closing lanes on major highways during rush hour so they can “improve the median,’’ whatever that means.
Our roads are also flooded with students, and many of them keep showing up in these box trucks without having any idea where those box trucks can and can’t be driven.
Even some bus drivers in Massachusetts – you know, the people who drive professionally – can’t keep it together long enough to avoid trouble. Earlier this year, one of them nearly drove her bus off a highway overpass.
And in an effort to curb all of this and hopefully make us into better drivers, the Massachusetts Department of Transportation literally has to dedicate man hours to coming up with cute signs that might make us use our turn signals or stop texting while driving.
Things are so bad that Allstate ranked three different Massachusetts cities among the five worst for risky driving. According to their study, the drivers in Boston, Worcester, and Springfield can’t even go more than five-and-a-half years without an accident, on average.
The worst part? Today’s revelation that we are apparently all jerks, too. A survey from Insure.com found that Massachusetts drivers are the fifth rudest in the country. Take a look at these charges listed in the results: “spewing insults and profanities,’’ “rushing lights,’’ “tailgating,’’ turning sharply at “last minute, with no signaling,’’ going out of our way “to block any opportunity for you to merge,’’ honking if someone doesn’t turn fast enough, dangerously cutting people off, talking on our phones, eating food, checking makeup, and even using an iPad while smoking a cigar.
As impressive as that last one sounds, it’s also probably more than a little dangerous to be driving, playing Candy Crush, and taking a drag from a fine stogie all at the same time. So heed our warning and stay off the roads. Because even if half of these things aren’t really our fault, if people keep saying they are, it must be true.
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