Etiquette Isn’t About Rules.
Manners are guidelines, not hard and fast rules. If you choose not to follow a manner be aware of how your actions might be perceived by others so you don't end up wishing you had acted differently.
Smartphone etiquette advises that if you are in a face-to-face conversation with a person and your phone chimes with an incoming call, you should reach for your phone and turn it off. Two days ago, I was meeting with a client, and my phone started vibrating in my pocket. I had even turned the ringer off, but both of us heard the phone vibrating.
“Go ahead,” the person I was meeting with offered, indicating he didn’t mind if I answered the call.
“Thanks, but no way,” I thought to myself. I reached into my pocket and pressed the on/off button, which sent the call immediately to voicemail and stopped the vibrating. We continued our conversation.
During a seminar for the same client the next day, the topic of smartphones came up. I explained the importance of focusing on the person you are with and not answering your phone if it starts demanding your attention. Then, to illustrate etiquette in action, the client related the story of how I handled my phone when it rang the day before.
That’s when a hand shot up. The person begged to differ about the advice. He explained he is a salesperson. If his phone rings, even if he is in mid-conversation with someone in person, he apologizes and answers the phone. His reasoning: As a salesperson, every call is important to him (it may even be a sale) and he needs at least to acknowledge the call; therefore, the advice doesn’t work for him.
I pointed out to the group that his reasoning was a perfect example of the importance of knowing what the etiquette advice is even if you don’t follow it. I know that not everyone is going to follow every manner we espouse. Manners tell us what to do and what to expect other people to do in all kinds of situations. Those manners are based on the collective experience of our society and represent expectations of behavior. As long as you are following the manners and doing what others expect, then, when you are with another person the focus is on your relationship. But if you do something unexpected, particularly something generally considered as unmannerly, then the focus shifts to the perceived rudeness and that may hurt the relationship.
I explained that while I didn’t agree with his choice to answer his smartphone while he was talking to someone in person, as long as he understood that his choice to answer the phone could negatively affect his relationship with that person, he was making a conscious, informed choice. Etiquette is really about understanding how your actions affect others and then then being comfortable with the affect those actions have on everyone involved. It’s not about following rules for rules’ sake.
If you have a business etiquette question, please email it to [email protected]. You can hear more Emily Post etiquette advice on the Awesome Etiquette podcast featuring Lizzie Post and Dan Post Senning. Listen and subscribe at infiniteguest.org.
Peter Post’s newest book, The Unwritten Rules of Golf, Morrow, is available at emilypost.com.
Since 2004, Peter Post has tackled etiquette issues in The Boston Sunday Globe’s weekly business etiquette advice column, Etiquette at Work. Post is the co-author of “The Etiquette Advantage in Business” and conducts business etiquette seminars across the country. In October 2003 his book “Essential Manners For Men” was released and quickly became a New York Times best seller. He is also the author of “Essential Manners for Couples,” “Playing Through–A Guide to the Unwritten Rules of Golf,” and co-author of “A Wedding Like No Other.” Post is Emily Post’s great-grandson. His media appearances include “CBS Sunday Morning,” CBS’s “The Early Show,” NBC’s “Today,” ABC’s “Good Morning America,” and “Fox News.” Follow Post: @PeterLPost.
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